sexual honesty

Those of us who play in the rough and tumble of gay dating appreciate honesty. When a man says he’s going to show we’re pissed when he doesn’t. When he says he’s a top and flips when you grab a nipple, no second date.

Being honest with ourselves is the hard part.  Who we are as sexual beings and what sex means differs with everyone. When we say or think we want love does that  mean affection? respect? interest in my life? someone who loves himself?  If it’s a deep connection we want does that mean seeing stars? sweaty pits? a friend for life? just a quick release?

Being honest when finding a partner makes it easier for both of you.  Look at your on-line profile.  What does it say?  For most of us it’s a sex profile, so don’t be surprised if men you meet online just want to have sex.  If you want tenderness or an interest in, say, architecture, say so.

Too often we assume a prospective partner want the same kind of sex we want.  When we do, we cheat ourselves from learning from another man.  Great sex is an adventure not just in your partner’s body but also his psyche.  Come to it with a desire to pleasure your partner and yourself. When that’s clouded with unspoken emotional issues the fun’s diminished.  When you’re both honest about needs and desires  the pleasure is pure.

Talking honestly before play is part of play.  Teasing out each other’s interest telling stories about  fun or adventures helps set the mood and gets out important information.   Being honest, even if that means you fucked up or one guy was a bust, you’re acknowledging reality and that makes it easier for your partner to be relaxed with you and with himself.  No man is going to shy away from honesty. You can be intense or a little weird as long as you’re upfront about it.

Opening emotionally opens you physically.  Talking honestly about our lives with a partner is the foundation for a good connection, and when your body isn’t holding tensions around an issue you’re free to be a hedonist.  Most of us grow up apprehensive about being queer;  whatever the reason it’s hard for us to trust others.  The base of trust is honesty. Being honest about who you are and what drives you crazy encourages your partner to do the same.  Remember Colombo? The detective always mentions his shortcomings to get suspects to open up.  Being honest you’re creating common ground, and if you can share your dick and hole why not the rest of you?    Even when you think something’s locked deep inside you’d be surprised that others sense it even if they don’t know exactly what it is.

Don’t be embarrassed!  We all have dirty little secrets.  We say the wrong thing and inadvertently upset others.  If I say something stupid, I laugh.  If I’ve hurt someone’s feelings I apologize  immediately.  I’m being honest and we’re clear so we can get on with our play.

Indulge your honest passion.  Last night my buddy and I watched Disney’s Fantasia rather than a porno movie. The music was powerful and the animation comforting moving our sex to a new level.   Great sex is alive and electric. Why not your surroundings?  If you have an honest passion for Beethoven or gospel music make that part of your evening.  Don’t be afraid of something new if you’re honestly fascinated.  It adds spice and who knows? Maybe he’ll want to try something new, too.

A great sexual experience leaves everyone exhausted and wanting more. Being honest sexually helps make that reality.

About Chuck

Ivy education, long-time San Franciscan with two dogs and two homes. Have traveled most of the world and spend my days writing.

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2 Responses to sexual honesty

  1. Ian Marsh December 21, 2010 at 8:35 pm #

    Howzit Chuck-just read your piece on being honest.Great.Interesting too that the longest thing I have read by you involved honesty and sex……we are all sexual creatures-and if one can mix sex with honesty WOW-DYNAMITE-even if some people’s dynamite would seem like a squib to others-it’s their dynamite and that’s great.I love the way you write.Chat later.
    I am flying down to the coast of Kwa Zulu Natal today on the Indian Ocean for the day to sort out some problems I have with a house down there(we have been having terrible floods and the roof is leaking)all too boring but as another pal of mine says-comes with the territory!

    • Chuck February 21, 2011 at 11:01 am #

      Thanks for your thoughts, Ian. I’ve been working on a novel and have neglected this. I hope the problems in India weren’t terrible. I have a cabin in the foothills I think of as my mistress who needs constant attention and always available when I want to just relax
      Chuck.

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